


Rebel Forces Employ Horndog Mercenary?

by TheTrueOverlordBear



Category: DmC: Devil May Cry
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTrueOverlordBear/pseuds/TheTrueOverlordBear
Summary: Bob Barbas finally has the story of a lifetime when a demon-slaying yet horny young man tears Limbo City and the Order apart. It's so amazing, not even Mundus's fall and death in the process has him scared! And then the bastard named Dante kills Bob.
Kudos: 1





	Rebel Forces Employ Horndog Mercenary?

_Rebel Forces Employ Horndog Mercenary?_

You may have seen him hoarding ladies left and right from the streets to his motor home, and you may have seen him escape the authorities every single time. This problematic guy whom our, shall we say, thirstier news anchors here at Raptor News Network can't get enough of makes headlines again. This time, though, Dante made himself a bigger one after a terrorist attack on a local church.

"I'm Dante of the Order," said the violently young man in front of the church ruins, "And I'm just here for the sex! Also, I'm glad that I reunited with my younger twin brother Vergil, the Order's wonderful leader!"

For a man like myself, Bob Barbas, I strongly have to stick to a script to express my thoughts regarding this very troublesome man. After all, how could rebel forces be such fools? Then again, with much deeper thought, this is quite in line with our past reports about this troublesome organization that has managed to evade the law with impunity.

And speaking of past reports, we have a discovered a connection between this recruitment and the destruction of Dante's motor home. As we have reported the other day, Limbo City's most infamous pervert had almost been killed by a bomb, with the two ladies by his bedside serving as his meat shields for his survival. Of course, considering his appreciation for the female form, he was found pathetically sobbing over the mutilated bodies of his latest lovers.

"Lady!" a naked Dante screamed outside the ruins of his house. "Lady!"

The way he screamed his lack of care about them with the word "Lady!," well, I probably would've thought their names were actually "Lady!"

And of course, there is only one organization that is capable of doing such an attack. And soon enough, these wannabe rebel forces creatively called "The Order" took Dante into their ranks. And judging from the pervert's boasts, someone had been taking advantage of nepotism. What a horrible group filled with horrible people.

Of course, that's not the last we'll hear from them. Look forward to updates, then.

Again, I'm Bob Barbas, and this is Raptor News Network, just doing God's work.

* * *

_Dante Exposes and Kills_ _Ryders, Continues Fighting_ _Rebel Forces_

"What if I told you that I can pay you better than your stupid bosses?"

After the recent and justifiable confrontation over here at the RNN studios, we have had a change of heart. Kyle and Liliana Ryder, demons whose true names are Mundus and Lilith respectively, have been overlooking the media's true value for so long, yet we couldn't dare to tell all because of their iron grip on us through their banking work and criminal activity. But things have changed now thanks to Dante, who has sent that monstrous couple back to where they came from.

We still believe that yes, Dante's crimes against the wonderful thing we call sex should not be forgiven, but we also know that journalism is among the most compromised ways of life. We fight tooth and nail to reach and spread the truth, and we cannot help praising the now somewhat heroic Dante for truly caring about us.

Now, one foe remains again, and of course, it is our colorfully titled Order, whose leader Vergil has revealed himself to the public to announce an all-out war against Dante and the literally demonic government.

"At first, I thought my long lost older twin just happened to have a coarse demeanor," expressed the man who seems to have a fetish for Eastern cultures, considering his katana, "But then I found him not only harassing poor women like my right hand Kat, but also moving humanity from one cage to another!"

The Order's Leader may be right about Dante's crimes...but only the sexual ones. If anything, it's Kat who's the poorest thing here. Who knows what Vergil may be doing to such weak women? Perhaps our frienemy Dante may be able to find out. Look forward to more updates, then, everyone.

Again, I'm Bob Barbas, and this is Raptor News Network, just doing God's work.

* * *

_Dqrewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_

For some reason, despite our praise for him, Dante has only gotten worse after defeating the Order. We deeply regret having praised him before, then.

Currently, he is decimating RNN employees and destroying the RNN studios in a fit of rage over journalism's righteous requests for better support. As a result, there are things like this improperly presented ticker.

We could say that we do not understand why he has become such a traitor, but let us not pretend that we don't know. The truth is the powerful rise of Philian, a media company that seeks and spreads the truth as well as we do, a wonderful entity headed by an angelically just yet devilishly cunning man named Gilver, who has been –

"Shut the fuck up, Barbas!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** So I just realized that my biggest problem with _DmC: Devil May Cry_ isn't really the sleazy punk Dante or the more complicated controls. It's actually the mediocre "fight the system" plot and the careless characterizations used in the attempts to develop it. Thanks very much for helping me think about that, then, Kerlongsj Evert Orlejov.


End file.
